When Dr. Won's (not his real name)proverbial smile inversed, my mind yelled, “Ay sus, life is parang buhay! Maluto, gulay!” (Ay sus, life is like life! Rice, veggie!)
[That expression is not original. A friend would usually say, “Life is parang buhay!”(Life is like life!) whenever things go slow or rough unexpectedly. Sometimes it is followed by “Hay buhay! Maluto, gulay!” (Hay life! Rice, veggie!) I never asked for its explanation. I assumed he meant just that, with merit to circumstances.]
My primary physician does not understand Tagalog or Filipino culture. So it's a relief that I shouted silently (understandable; Dr. Won and I are almost strangers. Within two years as an immigrant in America, we only met six times in a 15- or 30-minute duration). Had Dr. Won heard me he might supposed that I insulted or called him names. Worst, uttered a spell to change him into a frog as soon as I left the office.
“It really all boils down to belief,” Won said while he scans my file and jots something down. (How can he read or write and talk - all at he same time?)
(Still looking at my file.) “No amount of good diet or change of lifestyle will lower high cholesterol. You’re gravely risking a heart attack or a stroke five to ten years from now for not taking Vytorin.” More scribbling.
Then he sighs. That, to me, is a dismissal. He stands up and excuses himself out of the room to call the nurse for my flu shot.
I left the building without seeing Dr. Won. I’m going home without a prescription, which makes me very happy. But I feel uncomfortable too.
The uneasiness, from my experience, comes from the awareness that I had cause someone’s ire, from disobeying my doctor's "order", and from anxiety about a heart attack or a stroke.
I read somewhere that one of the top medical practice peeves of physicians is the client’s refusal to follow advise. But hey, clients or patients have the right to refuse advises. It's ironical that Dr. Won wasn’t listening to himself when he said it all boils down to belief? He didn't want to hear what I was telling him -- I want to experiment first with natural to alternative cures. After two surgeries late last year I embarked on a more healthier diet and lifestyle. I'm coping with low metabolism due to the absence of thyroid glands which, I think, also contributed to raise my "bad" cholesterol levels. If a healthy lifestyle doesn’t work in six more months -- then I’ll join daily Vytorin poppers -- who do not only contribute to North America's drugged tap water but add to billion profit earnings of pharmaceutical companies. Perhaps in a year I would pop more pills as side-effect illnesses take toll and, for life! Besides I’ve already compromised my belief for life with the daily intake of a synthetic hormone replacement drug (to prevent recurrence of thyroid cancer and for hypothyroidism). That pill could "kill" my liver or waste muscles 10 to 20 years from now. No choice. As author Moalem wrote, in order to live tomorrow. Who knows, we'll have cures without ill-side effects.
The uncomfortable feeling from being the cause of negative emotion and from disobedience slowly fades after this reflection.
My fear of a stroke is tied with the fear of dying. I’ve accepted death. But dying looks so painful (gasping for air)and gross (rotting dead cells). Nostalgia fills me too every time I imagine leaving my family, friends, garden, this life, this planet, this universe. Yet these notions and feelings, at this moment, are passing away.
I am thinking of my mother who had desired death in old age. I will always remember how mama left -- sleeping with a peaceful smile. Hummm, uneasiness is completely fading. Hay,, life is parang buhay! Maluto, gulay!
